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Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Magic of Alchemy and my Bipolar
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and much has transpired. I went through a stage where I felt that I didn’t need to talk about it anymore, but just to live it.... and I’m still tending that way. About 9 months ago something unusual happened. A post that I had written on 12th December 2012 suddenly appeared as the most recent post, so I felt drawn to look at it closely. It was called “Poetry to God”. The thing that stood out to me was God’s last comment to me and it said “passivity child... let the roses come...” I had to look up “passivity” as it wasn’t a word known to me. It means submission. I also was shown pg 11 “A Hero with a Thousand Faces”, Joseph Campbell and once again reference to submission. Then there was the ant plague, then flying ants and once again a theme of submission when I googled this. So I decided I would try to “achieve” submission as stated on pg 11. There were too  many red lights and I wasn’t dismissing them.



I’ve talked frequently in my blogs about surrender and (of course) submission is a slightly greater achievement......... not easy!!!! So when people seemed to be crapping on me I was letting go and letting God.
One day I had a day talking about the people who press our buttons and how they are mirroring something to us... something we need to see in ourselves or to learn from. I spoke to both my kids on the same day about this... then (as would happen) a book arrived in the mail that day. It had been 3 weeks coming but arrived THAT day. As I lay in bed starting with the acknowledgements I read “I would like to thank all of those people who pressed my buttons because without them this book would not have been written”... a theme that day.
So before I went to sleep I said a prayer asking for help with someone I needed to forgive and accept their actions in pressing my buttons. I was struggling to see with this person what it was. I awoke at 3 am with a song in my head. I now know this is called an ear worm. It wasn’t a song that had been in my head but it WAS a song from the soundtrack of a movie and that person I was struggling with had sent me that CD a couple of years ago. That’s when I knew I just had to TRUST that all was well and forgive that person and myself. This was huge but I felt so at peace when I worked it all out. How amazing.
So I continued along with my passivity and kept seeing how if I let go and let God there was a bigger plan and I just had to trust. I’m so much better at it now. I have continued to be a couch potato / mountain in an attempt to be responsible to the people in my life and to keep the “bipolar” in balance. I am saying “bipolar” in inverted commas now as I believe it is just a label.... and there are so many degrees of this “disorder” and so many interpretations and remedies that it is unfair to say any one person has all the answers! Of course they haven’t...... but there is a growing rumbling in the collective unconscious and it is saying “there is more to this..... we are people experiencing spiritual emergence and much of the population don’t understand”. So groups like www.shadesofawakening.com, www.bipolarorwakingup.com  and movies like www.crazywise.com are making themselves known. So many people who have been labelled are finding their voices and speaking out and there are you tube clips galore. It is a positive time.



 It’s not just those labelled bipolar, but autism, asperger’s syndrome and more...... so forget the labels and start listening to the human beings and seeing the amazing gifts they have to share with the world.
My amazing mentor, Dr Wayne Dyer passed away at the end of August. I was lucky enough to see him in Brisbane 2 weeks before and I will never forget it. He has taught me so much. Gratitude doesn’t even seem a big enough word. But like I said in other blogs “when the student is ready, the teacher appears” .... and he surely did that. Carl Jung was asked whether he believed in God and he said “no... I don’t believe.... I KNOW”  I’m with Jung... another big teacher for me.
And guess what? The student must have been ready because a “biggie” popped up about 5 weeks ago – a course called “The Alchemy of Symbols” an online course run by 2 amazing teachers from South Africa. There were almost 100 students doing the modules. I found MY TRIBE. My whole life I have thought about and related to symbols and archetypes. I can see there is a plethora of material and I am only scraping the surface but the revelations that have surfaced have blown me away..... and I must admit I have struggled with hypomania and been taking some meds for the last 3 weeks. I’m ok......... there’s always the couch for a couple of days when necessary.
All I can say is Carl Jung was an amazing man / psychiatrist and it has become obvious to me that he has a large following. The quality of students participating in this course at first left me feeling inadequate, but I gradually morphed into things. I was a real student again for the first time in over 10 years and I loved it. Jung introduced the likes of archetypes (although that was around before him), understanding our shadow, the collective unconscious (we are all one), symbols, synchronicity.


I still have to watch myself and check my ego regularly. Even writing this I am wondering whether it is about being right (ego – edging God out) or wanting to share and maybe help someone else. I haven’t had severe depression for some time and I have to say the world feels like a better place. I have also come to accept that I have never felt “in” the world and that is hard to explain. I have gone through the motions and done what I thought I should do..... but never felt grounded in that... very difficult to live like that especially when for much of it you don’t realise you are different in that way.
But don’t tell me I am less of a person. Don’t call me names that “put me down”. Yes I may be different...... but... let’s face it we are all different and that’s what makes the world what it is. I don’t discount the law of attraction although I have proven it can be a dangerous thing if your ego is driving it...... BUT THE MIND IS A POWERFUL THING which must be respected....... and even a tad “feared” at times as it can cause all sorts of strife including depression, anxiety – well any disorder that is connected to our brain/ mind.
I have learned there is something else at play – call it God, The Tao, The Source, Higher Self.... etc  but I know it is there. How do I know? Synchronicities – that’s how. They happen to me... they happen almost daily...... sometimes miracles..... How could I ever be the same when this is so  - ay Carl Jung?????


To try to prove to someone what I know.... is becoming less important to me.. and when I find myself going down that path, I get a vibe..... and I know to stop right there.

I thank every single person in my life as I have come to realise they are mirroring me and on levels I don’t even understand , they love me... and I love them.

Monday, December 15, 2014

MY BODY IS MERELY THE SHELL OF MY SOUL


There’s a verse in the song “Eagles and Horses” – John Denver which says.... “my body is merely the shell of my soul... but the flesh must be given its due.. like a pony that carries its master back home... like an old friend whose tried and been true...





I’ve struggled with the BODY all of my life. I would get angry “why did I get the stretch marks, the cellulite, the obesity, the fine horrible hair etc etc??? And it’s taken me a long time to work it out.

Now I feel that if I had the so-called “body beautiful” that most people are constantly striving to attain,  I wouldn’t have discovered the amazing insights into my soul that I have found especially in the last 20 years, because (for sure) I would have been flaunting myself all over the place. A part of me knows that.. So “Thank you Universe for my Body”




                        THANKYOU – MY BODY
            You are my valued teacher
            You take my challenges and reflect them back to me
            Thankyou for being a patient mentor
            I value your strength of being
            Your power
            Your profound potential
            I honour you
            Your ability to rejuvenate knows no bounds
            I experience your healing power with gratitude
            I experience my well being
            My body is a harmony of being
            I am so fortunate for this opportunity
            To experience my physical being
            I embrace my physicality
            Thankyou my body, for sharing this life with me
                                                                                                            Deborah Mann

A few years ago I spotted this ode on my friend Helen’s fridge. I asked her whether I could have a copy and she gave me hers.

Today, I spotted this on my friend Narelle’s face book page.


So glad I have learned the lesson of THE BODY and the lesson of SURRENDER before I have reached the end of my days as happens with many.


And then came this............. which sums up much of what I’ve come to believe. Thanks Jim Carrey...



           
           


Wednesday, December 10, 2014



JUDGEMENT, SELF RESPECT AND THE LILAC ROSE



It was my birthday - July 2014 and my friends Annette and Anayah surprised me and took me out for lunch. They are both "big" on angels and have a show on the internet called Angel Heart Radio. I hadn't experienced angels much except I'm sure I have a parking angel (lol). I asked my friends how I could research the subject and how would I know whether there are angels or not??? Their answer was "just ask.... just ask the angels to show you something that would leave you just knowing...."  So that night when I went to bed, I said a prayer "angels can you show me something clearly?"


 I awoke the next day and noticed just behind my eyes a lilac rose - not something I identified with,nevertheless it was clearly a lilac/ mauve rose and I said it out aloud as I woke myself up. That day, when I was checking my face book page , I noticed a story posted by a friend from Colorado. She shared a story about a mauve/ lilac rose.
Her story told about when she stopped at traffic lights and a total stranger (female) got out of her car, walked over and gave Melanie a mauve rose. Me – mauve rose - twice in one day!!
And as the Universe would do, that same night I was browsing my saved movies on Tevo. I came across one called “Bed of Roses”. It was a romantic comedy about a lady who loved Mauve/ lilac roses. The florist (potential beau) had a room full of lilac roses delivered to her.




To me – 3 things in one day was enough validation of a synchronicity in action. I didn’t try to interpret it at the time except to let my friend, Mel know the story. My mood would have been elevated although controllable at the time.
The next two months were pretty traumatic in my life – both emotionally and mentally. I came upon some realisations that were pretty powerful. I remember years ago doing a workshop with a clairvoyant who asked the participants to identify issues which we related specifically to our same-sex parent.... and that this would be something that carried right through our lives. The biggest issue that jumped out at me was / is  JUDGEMENT.


 I have also come to know that these issues are often coming FROM us as well as TO us. I was seeing my SHADOW issues (see Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Robert O’hotto, Caroline Myss, Allan Hunter, Wayne Dyer ) coming at me thick and fast through the people closest to me. Shadow archetypes of the NARCICIST, the MORALIST, the PREACHER, the JUDGE, THE BULLY the PASSIVE AGGRESSOR, - Oh yes ALL of them in ME but being mirrored back at me. So really – I have no right to be angry about this. The person mirroring ME is doing me the biggest favour. I came to realise this big lesson.... and a big thanks to Di for that early morning chat about pains in the neck. It helped me more than you know.


At the time, I took a stand. I commanded RESPECT, as that was what I felt I needed. SO – it was a double-edged sword. It was those SHADOWS that I possess being mirrored at me but ME needing to respect myself and ask to be respected.... so a BIGGIE!!
So – a big eruption happened in my life. It was something I now feel was meant to be and was sure a learning curve in no uncertain terms.
“JUDGEMENT” is a BIGGIE. We all do it. WHY? WHY? WHY?  Walk a Mile in my shoes.....

And - how profound that this song was from an album (I think) called "Joe South's Greatest Hits" - when I left my job at the Commonwealth Bank in 1973, it was the gift I chose upon leaving. Powerful song !!!!



Mid September I was talking with my friend Helen, who grows roses, dabbles very much in colours and their meanings. She sent me the meaning of that lilac/ mauve rose:

"For calmness of mind and spirit and promotes a better connection to who you really are – an unlimited being, co-creating with whatever God means to you. For change with dignity. Promotes SELF-RESPECT and SELF-LOVE."



4th April 2017

There is a bit more to this story. Last year I had to go out to the shopping centre as I desperately needed a haircut.  I had been living quite reclusively. I made an appointment and reluctantly headed off. Nothing went smoothly. I was trying to hurry but everywhere I went there were cues and people getting in before me. When I eventually made it to the hairdressers I was about 20 mins late (I'm thinking the Universe had a reason) and I probably got a different lady than I might have. Anyway - she was curious about me being on a disability. She was very chatty and very curious. I explained the bipolar and spoke a bit about my history and different ways I have tackled the issue. She said "have you tried crystals? Have you tried ANGELS?" (lol) 

I told her I had a meditation cd of Doreen Virtue and I told her my lilac rose story. THEN SHE SAID TO ME - " I USED TO HAVE A SALON. IT WAS CALLED HEALED BY ANGELS AND EVERYTHING WAS LILAC" 

Just another little part of the lilac story - around the time it first came to be, my son and daughter in law were producing a video for Casey's latest song at the time called "Waiting on the Day" and I was very conscious of the appearance of the colour lilac/ mauve in this clip. Somehow we are all one! Somehow we are all tuned in. XX




Friday, July 18, 2014

Gospel Changes




A few years ago when I was very high, my ego was "running the show" and I couldn't slow down. I had been running my computer ragged and (like the guy in the movie"Pi" who couldn't switch his mind off) I was restless - up and down / on a mission driven by that ego - that ego that will eventually bring you down when you allow yourself to be driven in a manic state. It is often the case that I have lost out and ended up hospitalised. EGO is such a hard one to master.

As usual John Denver was the central focus and I was playing songs on you tube. The song "Gospel Changes" was playing and the computer started to slow down....... until it ground to a hault and the screen froze on a picture of a holy book @ .42 secs, and the words " Take it easy. God's in Control" were staring at me. No accidents.........



Monday, February 10, 2014

MEDITATION



Close your eyes and imagine you’re standing on the edge of a vast desert. For miles, there is nothing but sand and above you, a clear blue sky. You feel strong. You sense you are on a mission.

Almost confirming that feeling, a vessel appears out of no-where. It emanates the words “trust me”. It’s earthy and solid but is steered by a red sail. You step aboard, confident, knowing you are safe and that the journey you will undertake is meant to be for you.








 The “all knowing” wind blows you smoothly across the expanse. Your head held high and a smile on your face. You have waited all your life for this moment. Shut your eyes and surrender to the wind and for a couple of minutes (2- 3 mins) quietly lose yourself in that feeling of anticipation.

After a while you arrive at an amazing oasis, a contrast to where you came from. Beautiful trees and vegetation, birds of all kinds, lots of colour around. The centrepiece is a mass of sparkling blue water which is calling to you. Waiting right there is a diving board, all white with sparkling glitter inviting you to dance aboard.

The water is calling to you and you dive in confidently. Of course you find you can breathe freely. You swim down and down until you come across a portal leading to a place beyond the water. You swim through……………...... Come to rest in this space. Stand and experience the scene (4-5 mins).

In the distance you see someone calling you. They have your prize. You know it’s yours. You know that when you trust, surrender and detach, the prize is waiting for you. As you get closer it becomes clearer and clearer to all of your senses. Familiarise yourself with that special thing which is uniquely yours and uniquely you. Hold it close to you and share the love with that person who bears the gift. You know it was meant to be. Your sense of gratitude is overwhelming.

Sit peacefully on the nearby bench seat and open your heart to the unconditional love that you are feeling.

 Experience the light surrounding you yet feel your feet firmly on the ground. Breathe deeply and relax. Smile and know that you are unique and special yet one with the world.








Sunday, January 19, 2014

Control





The Matrix





To any of you out there who have managed to reach a stage where your responsibility to others and your need for freedom to be whoever you are have come together, I say “enjoy”!! You have worked hard.

I am a great believer that this world needs to understand that “it” is NOT about CONTROL but in letting go which can be expressed in the following song:

Let it Be



In the early days of MY bipolar it was FEAR  - fear on my part as I didn’t wish to BE controlled (as nobody does – bipolar or not) and fear on the part of those who loved me as they didn’t want me to become “out of control” – which looking back was only the case BECAUSE I was fighting against the controlling, therefore becoming paranoid and acting accordingly. If you read some of my other blogs you will see that this is a theme I have repeated along the way in several blogs.

This last high has been interesting. It is a full moon at the moment and a few people I know are also in that hypomanic position. But my loving carers are loving me enough and have seen me work so hard that they are “letting me be”. Mind you... I had to do the work ........ and I’d like to say I’m very proud of myself because I know how hard I have worked and so does MY GOD.

The whole world needs to learn this lesson of CONTROL also lessons of SURRENDER, NOT FEELING THE VICTIM, FORGIVENESS, DISCERNMENT, DETACHMENT FROM OUTCOMES... ALLOWING (LETTING IT BE). Trust me - if I’ve done nothing else in my whole life, I have learned YOU ARE NEVER IN CONTROL.


When I was hospitalised for the second time ever, I had this thought that The Beatles were prophets. Whether they were or not, I’d like to end this blog with two songs – one by John Lennon and one by Paul McCartney (above) ......... and I’d like to say as a bit of an “Orpheus taught me to play” thing that its an interesting journey to track down the missing verse from the Hurdy Gurdy Man, by Donovan which was written by George Harrison...... and Ringo was a great drummer........



And what is causing the need for all the wars in the world  - CONTROL!! Think about it.




9th Feb, 2014


Setting goals is a great idea....... BUT setting goals and then fighting, pushing, exerting yourself to make it happen IS CONTROLLING........ So what is this paradox that is dominating our thinking? We live in a world of duality. Try setting goals, doing your best (in the flow) and allow what is "meant to be" happen. Set the goals, do your best WITHOUT pushing and ALLOW. Be a yinner and not a yanger. Let your yang be gentle and NOT controlling. The world doesn't need it any more.



Beautiful Boy - John Lennon

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


I Can See Clearly Now


20th February, 2014 - I have my copy already. I don't think it is officially released yet, but I sure am devouring this book. This book is speaking to me and I can't put it down - This is a good honest man who tells his story straight from the heart and I'm liking it.





Thanks Dr Wayne Dyer - " I Can See Clearly Now"







You decided not to write any more books. You were just going to relax and enjoy your life. You certainly had given us much of your amazing honest revelations as your life has evolved in the public eye warts and all. I love that!!! But the Universe had other ideas!
You spent a summer writing 144,000 words by hand about your life story and how the pieces have come together in the chequerboard of your life. This is my little card saying the same thing. The book just had to be written.
     
You say that you had no control (ha ha). I've tried to find the reference to how you came up with the title. I believe you were in the bath and this song just came to you that you hadn't heard before. I love the song and title of your new book. When Jimmy Cliff's version became popular in 1993 I purchased the cassingle and it played on rote in my car's tape player. Recently it resurfaced - around the time I discovered your new book.
 http://www.frequency.com/video/i-can-see-clearly-now-dr-wayne-dyer/95169483/-/5-6096927

It's true for me that my life has played out in a similar way ( see some of my previous blogs). Sometimes what plays out as a negative experience is necessary in order to progress along the highway of my life. That includes (most definitely) my last manic episode. When I step back from it all, let go of ego (YES THAT IS necessary Robert Ohotto), then something much bigger than I moves those checkers around.


You have been a great teacher for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. One day I am going to shake your hand and maybe give you a hug.

Namaste