It’s four in the morning and that (all too familiar) feeling is upon me. I’ve slept a bit after getting to bed at 1 am, but I’m wide awake and no sleep in me.
This time, though, it’s different. I’ve been heading to this place for the last two weeks. I’ve felt more creative, thinking of projects to undertake or things I need to buy like exercise equipment, connecting to pay tv, buying new clothes. I’ve had the “ring ups” a bit and generally looking at the world with different eyes. Things seem brighter. Also, there have been a few synchronicities.......... but this time, it’s different.
I’ve made it known to all that “watch over” me that my mood is elevated and I have been taking a small amount of respiridone, sometimes some valium and valerian. Yet – this time, I have no fear and I’m constantly checking my ego at the door.
I know that a big part of the reason for this is the change in season. I’m very aware of the days drawing out (ie daylight hours extending). My system is very senstitive to things like seasonal changes, moon phases, anything I put on or in my body. You could definitely say I am a true sensitive in every sense of the word. So it’s no surprise to me that right now – August, 2011, this is happening.
What to do now? I could toss and turn, getting frustrated because I can’t go back to sleep. I could take a valium, but at this stage it would cause me to feel hungover for most of today and I have things to do.......... or I can just say “sleep is only sleep” and play on. I can get out of bed (which is what I did) and I could express myself on paper , consequently feeling much better.
My plan from here is to stay alert to what is happening with my body, not take on too many commitments, take medication if necessary. I have no psychotic thoughts that I know of as I have finally learned to surrender it all, let go of ego..... and trust. That allows fear to fall out of the equation. I will continue to be honest with my family and friends which will alleviate any paranoia which may have happened on previous occasions.
Somehow I feel much more optimistic than ever before. Of course – there’s a possibility that the optimism is just hypomania and, with that in my mind I will try to reflect on that possibility, however after many years of hard work on this enigmatic disorder, I have to trust that I can put my knowledge to good work. So my key thought is to watch my ego, surrender (as that has been my biggest lesson) and trust.
So – having said all that, it is now almost 5 am and I have taken 2 valerian (herbal) tablets. They may help me rest for a couple more hours, but if not, I will not stress – I will “ go placidly” and see where the Universe takes me.........
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