Lithium, Meds, the Medical Model and the Spiritual

I’m sitting here sifting through recipes and sorting.  It’s been over 10 years since I  remember doing this. I’m just in my 2^nd week out of hospital after a manic episode. I feel good – not up – not down. The unit looks more homely, I feel like doing little things to make it nicer. I’m remembering a similar mood about 6 years ago – same situation. I became enthusiastic and put together a great little scrapbook for my son. I would give anything to feel like this more often.

Currently I am back taking 4 X 250 mg lithium (mood stabilizer) and 1.5 mg respiridone (which is an antipsychotic med). Of course – as with anything, it is all open to individual reaction and opinion. I remember seeing a well know celebrity interviewed on a talk show years ago. He had overcome a very long history of depression. When asked what method he used, he refused to give out that information because he said “everyone’s makeup is different and it would be wrong to say what worked for me would work for all”.     So this is not a debate.

 Kay Redfield Jamison – a psychiatrist and author of the highly acclaimed book “An Unquiet Mind” wrote (pg 167) “ Lowering my lithium level had allowed not only a clarity of thinking, but also a vividness and intensity of experience, back into my life; these elements had once formed the core of my normal temperament, and their absence had left gaping hollows in the way in which I could respond to the world. The too rigid structuring of my moods and temperament, which had resulted from a higher dose of lithium, made me less resilient to stress than a lower dose............. Gradually, as I began to look around me, I realized that this was the kind of evenness and predictability most people had, and probably took for granted, throughout their lives.”  I believe her opinion on lithium has altered a bit as time has gone on. Nevertheless, it goes close to describing the differences in perception between those taking higher and lower (or none) lithium levels.

Mogen Schou’s “Lithium Treatment of Mood Disorders” also speaks of known side effects........ pg 55 “... But some, especially those who are usually hypomanic, feel that lithium treatment has changed their personality. Life is greyer than before; there is less enthusiasm, energy and determination. Reactions are not as quick as they used to be, nor memory as astute............ Cognitive side effects are readily reversible and disappear when the lithium dose is reduced or the treatment discontinued.”

I thought deeply about coming off the lithium. I had done it before between 1993-98. After 5 years I came undone because of body clock problems (overseas trip) and being treated by a Homeopath (not good for me). So I have tapered off meds before successfully. I communicated with my 3 closest suporters and (despite their personal fears) they all supported my decision. They could see that my quality of life was not good. I’d like to say (as well) that I have been averaging 2 manic episodes per year even whilst taking the lithium.         Yes there were risks.

If I was a footballer kicking for goal and missed (kicking only a point), I would be encouraged to try again.

Of course the majority opinion is “see – you came off your lithium, you came undone! Back on it you go!”

SIMPLISTIC! BLACK AND WHITE! And nothing ever is. Firstly I was very responsible in tapering. I connected with sites like www.beyondmeds.com and I used the 10% rule. By week 8, I had only dropped 125mg out of 1000mg per day. I was documenting my daily moods and reactions and reporting any major incidents. It is my opinion that my trip up is only minimally due to the tapering of lithium. Why did it take 8 weeks? My answer to that is CHANGE OF SEASONS – known to have been an issue in the past. Another unfortunate aspect is – my support team decided to let me go and see how I was able to cope. Fair call – as I have worked hard to NOT BE CONTROLLED. I didn’t discipline myself soon enough.

My high was as high as ever (I’m guessing it needed to be as I have taken a long time to get it).... BUT GET IT I DID.  I started to think about the thing which was my “carrot” which (when high) I chase with a vengeance – creating synchronicities (see other blogs on this), and they got faster and more convincing. THOSE WHO BELIEVE ONLY IN THE MEDICAL MODEL WILL NOT “GET” THIS.  Those who are open, check out the site www.bipolororwakingup.com   My “carrot” theory was affirmed the next day when I clicked on a blog  “The Daily Love” – Mastin Kipp

       One of the top things that will block you from success is lack of focus.

1.     This is what I was reminded of when I read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was probably the last person on Earth to read this book, but I still received massive value from it.

2.     Coelho’s story is about a young shepherd who is called on a journey in search of treasure and realizing his own “Personal Legend.” A Personal Legend is something that only you are called to explore and give to this world. In TDL-speak, I would say that a Personal Legend is your own unique gift that the Uni-verse created you to give to this world.

3.     Now, if you were living under a rock like me and haven’t read the book, I am warning you that this blog has spoilers!

4.     Our hero, a simple shepherd who loved to travel, went on a wonderful journey where he left his familiar world by following omens, met mentors, was placed in situations he never imagined for long periods of time and was finally brought to his true love (which he had to leave in order to realize his Personal Legend). One of my favorite lines from this book is, “When you REALLY want something The Uni-verse will conspire to bring it to you.”

5.     On the surface though, it seems it isn’t true in this story.

6.     What the author does so well is point out what we really want. As our hero falls in love, he thinks that is what he truly wants, but that isn’t so. He wants the self-respect and knowing that he accomplished his Personal Legend and that he gave his unique gift to the world. To do this he had to leave the woman he loved and face the possibility of death. Our hero gets the girl in the end, but as a fulfilled man, rather than one still yearning to realize his Personal Legend. Loving from a place of fulfillment is what true love is all about! (Click to tweet)

7.     I love this message; it speaks to me in so many ways. I am a lover. I’m such a lover that I created The Daily LOVE (lol). All I truly want is to love and be loved, but I believe that my Personal Legend is much broader than that. I don’t want this for just myself; I want this for every person in the world. I desire strongly for everyone on this planet to realize that they have a unique gift to give to this world and they have the tools to give that gift. I want everyone to be strong enough and to love themselves enough to love and be loved in return. I believe if more people were in a state of loving most of the time that many of the world’s apparent “problems” would fix themselves and our man made world would come back into alignment with the perfection of the Uni-verse.

8.     Time and time again I have had to put off that Love I want so much with another person for my Personal Legend. And sometimes, The Uni-verse keeps it at a distance from me, too. The message of The Alchemist is clear: you have a Personal Legend that the Uni-verse WILL support you to fulfill; all the resources you need to achieve your Personal Legend are within you right NOW; and don’t settle for someone else to fill you up – fill YOURSELF UP by achieving and becoming the embodiment of your Personal Legend.

9.     Are you settling in life? Is there something greater calling you? Heed its call. There is a great adventure waiting for you if you just say YES with your thoughts, actions and desires. You WILL be supported. You WILL be challenged and you WILL face the death of your own ego. BUT – on the other side of this adventure is self-respect, a Light and a Love about which ALL the epic stories are written. This kind of life is possible for you! Are you going to answer the call of YOUR Personal Legend?

I had bought the book over 12 months ago, took it to Tasmania with me and read it, was intrigued by the story and constantly trying to work on it. It appears, the subject of the book is JUST what I needed to understand.

 

Needless to say, I have disappeared most references to that “carrot” and am dedicating myself to decluttering my life and my mind introducing regular meditation, less tv and stimulation hopefully some exercise and a bit more social interaction. But that I say with a bit of optimism TONIGHT whist my mood is positive. Tomorrow – who knows ??

The biggest question for me right now is MY PERSONAL JOURNEY AND AUTHENTIC SELF versus RESPONSIBILITY TO OTHERS. Being of the feminine principle, that decision is weighing heavily.

22nd September, 2013..... remember that little window of creativity 2 weeks after coming home from hospital (as mentioned at the beginning of this blog)? The recipes I started sorting through..........   GONE NOW..... dead inside again......... and sad today. Lithium has kicked back in..... weight has increased due to respiridone......... sad now :(