God?

I Didn’t want to feel a Victim again

I have been experiencing many physical problems lately. I admit that I have neglected the physical over the last several years because I have focussed on the mental and spiritual. But I guess I had to face up sooner or later.

The irony is that most of my physical problems are directly or indirectly related to the drug Lithium Carbonate – which is the medication I take to “ keep me on an even keel” (I say that in inverted commas, because I haven’t really been on an even keel. I am still experiencing at least 2 manic episodes per year – the last one went on for about 4 months, although I was still managing my life around it, so you may say hypo manic – debateable)

Some of my presenting symptoms are extreme thirst, tremors, obesity, memory issues, minimal creativity, a general dullness/ gray. Issues could be related to kidney problems, thyroid problems and lithium is known to be a very toxic drug. People like the psychiatrist and author of "An Unquiet Mind" Kay Redfield Jamison have written and spoken (you tube) about this drug. Kay has a bipolar diagnosis as well. It is also known that being on lithium can shorten your life span.

Question:  Do I want to come off lithium in order to experience the "highs" - to have the thrills and the ecstasy (therefore being totally irresponsible to anyone else in my life)? You could argue that....... except I am STILL having those "highs". I've JUST LEARNED HOW TO CONTAIN THEM..... NOT WITH THE USE OF MEDICATIONS (this last 4 month period I endured without antipsychotics), BUT WITH SKILLS LIKE QUIET TIME/ WITHDRAWAL FROM STIMULATION ... things I have worked hard to understand.

I have taken this drug despite my huge reservations for many years. I did have a great 5 year period where I lost 10kg, felt great, positive whilst still coping with stressors as they arose. Unfortunately, I visited a homeopath who didn’t really know her stuff plus I went on an overseas trip (which is known to be risky for those with my condition – body clock issues – YES WE ARE BLOODY SENSISITIVE – THAT IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!!) so I came undone back then in 1998, and had to return to taking the lithium.

My journey has continued on and my research piles high. Much of the medical stuff has become obsolete to me as I have finally realised THIS IS NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION!!!! My answers have come to me in ways I never could have imagined since I sat in the chair back in Tassie in 2001 and said “I surrender. Take me where I need to go”.

I’m wondering where I go from here. Do I fight the doctor and stand up for something I believe in? That would not be a peace loving thing to do. Do I continue down the road I’m on (about to have blood tests for kidney, thyroid, diabetes..) and shorten my life (although I do believe whatever will be will be) and stay responsible to those around me who care ? I recently watched a TED talk about the medical profession and their slackness in researching new drugs and how people have died because doctors haven’t got the time or desire to really look into these medications. People have died because pharmaceutical companies seem to be ruling ( or the $$). I must check it out again. The point is people are starting to question the medical profession and many organisations are out there educating us about alternatives including diet, mind focus etc.

Could this whole issue be the last frontier? Is it no coincidence that doctors are often quoted as believing they are “God”? The irony?

This is just a sample of some “stuff ups” over the years – I have long moved on, but just thought I’d mention them :

Decisions and Medications 29^th August, 2010

In 1993, after much research and thought, I convinced my psychiatrist to allow me to cut out lithium carbonate (which was my mood stabilizer). I knew it would be tricky as it is a very potent drug. She reassured me that I could do it “cold turkey”. After falling into mania shortly after cessation, I read in my “Lithium treatment of Mood Disorders” by Mogens Schou, page 24 that “....Abrupt discontinuation has sometimes precipitated mania, and it is advisable to discontinue lithium gradually..”

Almost a year later, I asked to try again. This time I planned it around a low stress period, not a premenstrual situation or mid cycle and not a waxing or full moon. It was still an anxious time, but I managed to get through it and stayed well for 5 years (despite dramas in family life)... until I visited a homeopath (I now know that is a bad move for me) and travelled to Thailand. Even so, if you look at my graph of moodswings over the years, it begs the question??? Of course, in 1998 when I relapsed into a mania, the logical move was to go back on lithium....

Recently, after discussion with my current psychiatrist, it was decided that I would drop 1 X 250mg lithium (from 5/ day to 4/ day) as I had been having problems with extreme thirst and urination. The recommendation was to lower the dose of lithium. I was concerned about dropping one whole tablet versus gradually reducing it (after my bad experience in 1993) AND I wanted to do it RESPONSIBLY (as I have learned the importance of being responsible). I chose to wait for my case worker to return from holidays on 19^th July, 2010. Then reluctantly I dropped 1 lithium per day. Within a week, my mood began to elevate.

It’s now 29^th August and I’ve been through a hypermanic/ hypomanic episode. With much support from my case worker, psych nurse, family and friends, I got through it without having to go to hospital. I suppose that is an achievement. When I stabilize, I will be asking to attempt the dropping of the tablet again, this time gradually, non full moon and minimal stress.

I’m sure there is a reason I have had to experience this, if only to shed more light on how potent a drug lithium carbonate is and the sensitivity of my system.

Apart from the lithium carbonate, I need to take another drug when I become hypomanic, in order to prevent psychosis from becoming uncontrollable. Due to my sensitive system (once again) I have found that 1mg is ample and it minimises the side effects like sleeplessness and restless legs. When possible I reduce that to .5mg. So it’s been over a month now that I’ve been taking the respiridone. I guess it builds up in your system to a degree.

Over the last week or so, I have been feeling restless and not quite grounded. One could be forgiven for presuming that  means I am still hypomanic. But it’s not that at all.

I was looking through an old folder for information on depression for a little project I’m thinking about when I came across a detailed list of drugs I have been given and their effect on me. I saw RESPIRIDONE OCTOBER 1998.... “difficulty concentrating and an overall feeling of not being totally “with it” (this feeling disappeared within 2 days of ceasing the drug). THAT is what I have been feeling over the last week or so.

I intend to continue this story because these are not the only misunderstandings that have occurred during the last 30 years. I write this not to be accusatory but to put the case for the “consumer”. They are often vulnerable and need to be heard.

In 1990 after a manic episode I was given Haldol (slow release haloperidol). After going home, I started feeling agitation and restlessness, so my husband took me back to the hospital. Instead of treating me for what were the side effects of the Haldol, I was given another drug for anxiety/ mood which was called Tegratol. Once again I headed home and started breaking out in a hot rash all over my body. Cold showers and flannels would not ease it. I hadn’t been warned about this so I presented to my GP, who said the rash was a side effect of the tegratol. After this episode I became so angry I purchased my own “The Australian Drug Guide” book so that I could monitor situations myself in the future.

In 1991, whilst living in Bundaberg Qld (my husband was on a teacher exchange for 12 months), I became extremely depressed. For the first time ever, I agreed to take an antidepressant. It was called Tolvon. On the first night, after taking the medication, my heart was racing and my face was bright red and I was frightened. The next day I found it hard to wake up. Within 6 days, I had become “high”. I now know that this is called “switching”. The doctor denied that the Tolvon had caused the switching at the time.

In 1993, I was given Epilum (Sodium Valproate) and told it wouldn’t cause me to gain weight. I gained 10kg in 10 months.

In 1999 I flew from Tasmania to Queensland for my son’s 21^st birthday. Before leaving Tasmania I saw a GP about en eye infection. I was prescribed PREDSOL EYE DROPS. As an indication of how sensitive I am to different chemical changes in my body, I became high. It was a scary one and I wasn’t hospitalised. Upon ceasing the eye drops my mood balanced out. I now do not touch cortisone based drugs and the like.

I have just felt the need today to express my concerns and feelings as I find myself frustrated.  Over the years I have seen many psychiatrists and psychologists and since moving to the Gold Coast have not been able to establish any continuity with any one doctor, consequently I find myself repeating my history each time.  I do not claim to know everything about this illness but have spent many hours researching the illness and the drugs of choice for its management and I certainly feel I know my own body pretty well.  I guess the bottom line of this outpouring is that the side effects of the drugs used to control the illness can (and often are) misinterpreted for symptoms of the illness. Also due to the unfortunate events of the last month or so, and taking of respiridone, I have gained 3 more KG!!!