Well, once again the black dog is here. Most times after a manic episode comes to an end, within weeks, a depression comes upon me.
Alone – that’s how I feel. It starts with less energy, sleepiness (opposite to mania), no motivation or ambition to achieve, no confidence – the least little criticism is heart breaking and more and more I retreat into myself.
I don’t ask for help. No-one has ever really been able to cope with the depressions. This is so sad as it is the second fastest growing epidemic in the world after heart disease. “I don’t know why it is” (says me, who knows it only too well.) How hard is it to walk beside someone, tell them you’re there for them, that things will get better – make them a cuppa ……. and just be there?
Today I just knew “it” had arrived upon me. The world looks bleak. Every little scenario seems negative and most of all I feel I have nothing to offer the world, I am useless, selfish – totally “into” myself. I sit and think “is there anyone I can call who would understand?” but then I think that everyone has their own problems and “no they wouldn’t understand” plus I don’t want to inflict myself (this weak, horrible person) on anyone else.
Suicide crosses my mind as living has no joy for me……… then I think I couldn’t do that to my family even if I was brave enough to take an overdose or something. And I don’t think the afterlife is that much fun for suicides. So living with the depression is hell on earth.
The educated me knows a few strategies for coping, one of being exercise, but bringing myself to do that is extremely difficult, although I’ve done it many times before in Tasmania with early morning walks around the big block in the winter fog. Even having a shower I need to talk myself through the motions.
So here I am – alone again (as I am a lot in my life because of this bipolar) and although I’ve done a lot of forgiving and accepting, I feel angry right now and don’t understand why I chose this shit of a life…… so I’m the victim again as well. All the hard work I’ve done seems a waste as I sit here at the computer letting go of my feelings.
Just a lttle excerpt from my journal. Hope it will help someone to feel less alone.
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